Alvin Bragg Arrested!

The U.S. Army Criminal Investigation Division on Friday arrested Deep Stater and District Attorney of New York County Alvin Bragg on charges of treason and election interference near his home—he owns several—in New York City’s historic St. Nicholas District, also known as Striver’s Row, sources in General Eric M. Smith’s office told Real Raw News.

If justice prevails, Bragg will soon live on a different row—death row at Guantanamo Bay’s Camp Delta internment facility for Deep State prisoners.

White Hats, our source said, had been pursuing Bragg since the day he empaneled a Grand Jury of Deep State sympathizers to indict President Donald J. Trump on fabricated charges aimed at imprisoning him or, if that failed, damaging Trump’s chances of becoming the 2024 Republican nominee—a plan that continues to backfire as more significant numbers of citizens rally behind the besieged president.

Bragg, he added, had fallen off the White Hats’ radar shortly after that, as the Deep State had replaced him with a convincing body double that appeared in his stead at press conferences and televised broadcasts. The double shared Bragg’s rotund features and had been trained to mimic his gait, mannerisms, and speech. The actual Bragg had secreted himself away somewhere, a feat most miraculous for an obese piece of gelatinous lard that wobbles when it walks and can’t take three steps without huffing and puffing and pausing to catch its breath. White Hats ignored the lookalikes to avoid showing their hand while patiently waiting for Bragg to appear from whatever gaping hole he had crawled inside. History has shown that Deep Staters hate being restrained by their handlers and always return to the roost eventually. Homesickness and doppelgangers crediting themselves for Deep Staters’ accomplishments are reasons why Deep Staters go back to the fold.

“And that’s when they’re most vulnerable,” our source said. “Bragg is a special kind of stupid. He thought he was invulnerable and walked right into our hands.”

CID, he said, had been watching three of Bragg’s properties for several months, during which time they saw at least one Bragg imposter come and go as if he were lord of the household, affectionately and amorously greeting the real Bragg’s wife, Jamila Ponton, upon returning to the Striver’s Row home each day after work. They would embrace rapturously, hugging and kissing on the doorstep.

“It’s pretty sick, and we’re sure Deep Staters’ spouses are in the plan. They’ve been married 20 years, so there’s no damn way she’s getting fooled by a double. None are that good. If it were a clone, well, maybe, but most of them got no genitals,” our source said.

Asked whether White Hats had ever seen the spouse of a Deep Stater engaged in acts of wanton lust with a body double or clone, he said, “Not personally. If I did, I’d have to bleach my eyeballs. I don’t want the image of that fat fuck, real or not, having sex in my head. It would be something you couldn’t unsee. And now that we have Bragg, we no longer have to peer in his windows.”

At 7:00 a.m. Friday, the CID surveillance team saw the fake Bragg wearing a blue pinstriped suit and oxford shoes leave the house, get into his car, and drive toward downtown Manhattan. Forty minutes later, a Cadillac Escalade pulled in front of the residence and out stepped Bragg from the passenger seat. This Bragg, however, wore a charcoal suit and wingtip shoes. CID could not identify the driver because the car’s windows had a dark tint. The investigators allowed the vehicle to depart and then moved against Bragg before he reached the front door.

Bragg spotted the investigators and tried to wobble away, but he collapsed to the ground convulsing when struck by four Tasers in his back, chest, neck, and face. CID zip-tied Bragg, whose bulbous wrists were too large for cuffs—and heaved his portly body into the rear seat of an SUV that had come screeching to a halt the second Bragg had hit the ground.

Our source said White Hats have overwhelming, irrefutable evidence proving Bragg is guilty of treason and election fraud and that Vice Admiral Darse E. Crandall will publish it at the Deep Stater’s military tribunal.

In a follow-up, the source confirmed the man in custody is the true Alvin Bragg and that his body double will also be arrested as soon as possible.

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