White Hats to Iowa

As Iowans prepare to brave an unprecedented frigid blast that could affect voter participation in Monday’s hotly anticipated caucas, an unknown number of undercover White Hats, too, will don arctic gear and have their eyes peeled for indicators of fraud and other nefarious activities, sources in General Eric M. Smith’s office told Real Raw News.

Iowa is the first state in the Republic to hold primaries each election cycle, and what happens in Iowa seldom stays in Iowa; pollsters see the Hawkeye State as a barometer for the rest of the country. Typically, a candidate who performs well in Iowa will outshine opponents from coast to coast in many states. As things stand, polls show President Donald J. Trump, the lawful commander in chief of the Armed Forces, with a commanding lead (48%) over his closest opponent, Nikki Haley, real name Nimarata Randhawa (16%), who is hoping Trump’s most ardent supporters would rather stay home than venture out into the cold to vote.

“Trump voters are out of shape and the last thing they’ll do is step outside Monday morning. Any claims I’ve rigged the vote are fake; I don’t cheat because I have no reason to cheat. That lunatic Laura Loomer tweeted I’m controlling the weather. Have you ever heard anything so crazy? It’s not my fault Trump’s supporters are too lazy to vote,” Haley reportedly told a financial benefactor at BlackRock Investments, according to the transcript of a telephone call intercepted by U.S. Army Cyber Command.

Although political subterfuge and blatant election theft is prevalent among Democrats, a growing number of faux Republicans, RINOs, and feeble conservatives have crossed a doorsill that makes them indistinguishable from the Democrats they often criticize. Ballot theft, our source said, is contagious and crosses party lines.

While White Hats have no specific, credible tips proving Haley—or DeSantis, for that matter—will try to undermine tomorrow’s primary, they aren’t leaving fate to chance. Our source said that after the stolen 2020 presidential election, White Hats recruited skilled investigators, including some civilians and former military, whom they taught to discretely spot signs of ballot theft from a “boots on the ground” perspective. Bundled in winter garb—parkas, scarves, gloves, and hats—the investigators will seamlessly blend into the crowds and keep tabs on caucus meetings.

Our source would not disclose which cities investigators will visit, but Des Moines, Cedar Rapids, and Davenport—the state’s most populous cities—are likely targets.

“I can’t say how many boots will be on the ground or where they’ll be. We’ll have enough eyes and ears on the ground to root out election shenanigans damn quickly. And we have additional resources,” our source said.

Those resources include White Hats at U.S. Army Cyber Command, Fort Gordon, and Marine Corps Forces Cyberspace Command, which will be fully staffed and ready to intercept signals intelligence to and from Haley’s campaign headquarters in Charleston, South Carolina.

Asked how White Hats would respond to a Haley victory in Iowa, our source said, “The person you call Nikki Haley, we call Nimarata Randhawa, her true identity, and it’s not even clear if she’s qualified to be a candidate. The only way she wins is if she cheats. And if she cheats, she’ll be arrested.”

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