White and Red Hats Ambush FEMA in Florida

The sky above Florida turned an apocalyptic shade of green as Union forces endured the onset of Hurricane Milton, its outer bands bringing sheets of horizontal rain and spinning up towering tornadoes that dropped suddenly to the ground. The deluge slashed at their slickers like shards of shrapnel as they pressed deeper into the snake and alligator-infested Lake Okeechobee Park, where, according to White Hat intelligence, FEMA had set up a mobile command center helmed by the agency’s Region 4 supervisor, Robert Samaan.

The intel, questionable at best, had come to Gen. Smith from federal 5th Columnists claiming FEMA had deployed the small task force as a precursor to a full-scale invasion to take place once the storm had moved offshore. As the saying goes, Union forces took the intelligence with a grain of salt, for it would be atypical of FEMA to venture out into the wind and rain. Historically, FEMA sends personnel to disaster areas only after inclement weather ends and the sun shines brightly in the sky. FEMA agents aren’t fond of getting wet, and they prefer to rob, torture, and torment storm victims in balmy weather.

“All FEMA are cowards,” our source said. “They basically shit their pants if they have to step out into a stiff breeze, and that’s why they pop up after a tornado or hurricane is done. They like their cushy office work, and we damn sure never hear about a regional supervisor ever leaving his office—it’s unheard of, especially out by a damn swamp.”

He added that General Smith and Colonel Kurtz decided to send a reconnaissance team to the alleged GPS coordinates of FEMA’s mobile command center.

The 111th Aviation Regiment, an army aviation regiment of the United States Army and the Florida National Guard, facilitated the insertion after drone reconnaissance proved ineffective; blustering winds had knocked them from the air. White Hats, our source said, had even arranged for an MQ-9 Reaper to surveil the area with its high-resolution optics from an altitude of 25,000’ asl, but it made multiple passes and saw nothing significant.

Our source said boots on the ground are often needed to acquire accurate intelligence, even in a world replete with emerging technologies.

“Nothing beats the eyes and ears of a gung-ho Marine or soldier,” our source said.

As Milton’s eyewall neared the shore and torrential rain inundated Sarasota, Union forces spotted three SWAT-type armored trucks south of Buckhead Ridge and the Lake Okeechobee Scenic Trail. Each had “FEMA” emblazoned in white paint on the carriage and hydraulic anchoring spikes like those used by tornado intercept vehicles. Union troops saw no foot patrols and assumed the cowardly agents were staying dry inside the vehicles or it was a trap.

“You know what they say, if it smells like a trap, it could be one, and FEMA sure isn’t happy we’ve been hunting them down. For all they knew, those trucks could’ve been rigged to explode or filled with poison gas or chemicals or whatever else FEMA could dream up, and they have a damn vivid imagination.  It made no practical sense for agents to be lounging around in the middle of nowhere as the storm worsened,” our source said.

He added that the first thing Union troops noticed was that the ignition was running on two of the three vehicles. The pelting rain and whipping winds interfered with their parabolic listening equipment, and their thermal imaging device malfunctioned.

The answer to whether the trucks were occupied materialized while they discretely observed through binoculars. A window had opened a crack, and the driver had flicked a cigarette butt out the window. The Red and White Hats debated whether to storm the armored trucks, but decided the situation mandated prudence since they had no idea if the rear compartments were brimming with armed agents. If they were, the cloistered interior would have been quite uncomfortable. Two hours of observation later, Union troops were convinced that the vehicles’ only occupants were the drivers and those riding shotgun.

The team leader felt 18-6 were satisfactory odds and issued orders to low crawl to the vehicles and place shaped charges on the rear doors, expecting the explosions would penetrate armor and draw out front seat occupants.

The detonations blew the rear doors off their hinges, revealing compartments filled from floor to roof with automatic weapons, tactical gear, sniper rifles, and pistols—equipment a disaster relief agency does not need unless it has ulterior motives.

As Hats had anticipated, six FEMA agents emerged from the trucks, piling out of the driver and passenger side doors as they discharged weapons blindly in every direction, their directionless shots slicing through the air. Union troops were more precise. They picked their targets and gunned them down, leaving no survivors. Contrary to intelligence, Region 4 supervisor Robert Samaan was not among the dead.

Inside one of the vehicles they found FEMA’s orders: Deliver the contents of the vehicles to FEMA’s Sarasota “Disaster Recovery Center” once the storm had moved offshore. The Hats had better ideas. They commandeered the vehicles and weapons the blast hadn’t destroyed—200 serviceable M4 carbines, a handful of Remington 700 scoped rifles, and 125 Glock 19s.

After Milton passed over Florida and spun into the Atlantic as a tropical storm, Union Forces left gift-wrapped packages—bodies in polyurethane bags–at the doorstep of FEMA’s Region 4 office at 3003 Chamblee-Tucker Road, Atlanta, Georgia.

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