Bill Gates Hanged at GITMO Ahead of Schedule

On Friday morning convicted murderer and Microsoft founder Bill Gates got a surprise wakeup call when U.S. Marines entered his Camp Delta cell and informed him that JAG had rescheduled his execution from October 5 to at once. Without giving a reason for the rescheduling, they told Gates an execution detail would soon arrive to escort him to newly erected gallows on GITMO’s southern edge, near to where other Deep State criminals had met the hangman’s noose.

“We built a new one just for you,” one guard purportedly taunted Gates.

Gates refused a last meal, a GITMO source told Real Raw News, and an hour later, just as the sun peeked over the horizon, Gates was taken to a clearing where new gallows had indeed been built to accommodate GITMO’s condemned.

Handcuffed at the wrists, Gates emerged from a Humvee kicking and screaming and accusing the military of betraying its own promises. “You can’t do this to me. I have four more days. You lied to me! I want to speak to who’s in charge here! I demand it,” Gates crowed.

The execution detail led by Rear Adm. Darse E. Crandall of the U.S. Navy Judge Advocate General’s Corps gave Gates unwelcome news.

“Stop throwing fits and go out like a man,” Rear Adm. Crandall said. “Sentencing dates are provisional and conditional and subject to change without notice. You got an hour’s notice. Keep up this nonsense and we’ll sedate you—then hang you. Is that how you want to meet your maker?”

Unlike earlier Deep State executions, there were no civilian or political emissaries in attendance, only a small assembly of military brass, our source said.

Gates was steered to the platform, and a soldier whose uniform lacked nametags, rank, and insignia fitted and tightened a noose around Gates’ neck. A Navy chaplain administered last rites, saying he hoped Gates could find salvation in the afterlife.

Rear Adm. Crandall asked whether Gates had any last words.

“I’m innocent of all charges brought against me,” Gates said. “Melinda is a liar. I am a good man. I am charitable, and I’ve always obeyed the law. Yes, I was arrested in 1975, and again in 1977, for driving without a license and speeding, but those don’t deserve a death sentence—”

“I asked if you had any last words. I didn’t ask you to write a novel,” Rear Adm. Crandall said.

He motioned to the soldier standing beside Gates. The soldier pulled a lever, and a trap door beneath Gates’ feet swung open.

But something went wrong. His neck did not immediately snap; rather, he dangled in the air, his legs flailing wildly and his eyes bulging from their sockets as if to burst. A guttural, gurgling sound escaped his lips as his handcuffed arms tried in vain to grab the rope from which he was hanging.

“Rear Adm. Crandall’s assistant asked if they should cut Gates down, but the admiral said no, that the sentence would be carried out despite technical difficulties. Gates hung there for about 4-5 minutes, alive, before strangulation killed him. They then cut him down, and a doctor said he was dead. Bill Gates is no more,” our source said.

Real Raw News reached out to Paul Knoll, a Professor Emeritus at the University of Southern California and expert in medieval executions.

“A successful hanging is no simple task. Variables include the person’s height and weight, and the drop distance, and those are taken into consideration when deciding the length of rope needed. If any of those variables are not calculated for, precisely, the hanging can fail and the victim can suffer a very long and painful strangulation,” Professor Knoll said.