Trump Declares War on the Seven Republican Dwarfs

“It’s war, then,” declared Donald Trump.

He made a brief, jubilant appearance at a celebratory banquet after the Senate on Saturday voted to acquit him on Democratic-sponsored charges of masterminding the Jan 6. Capitol riots, telling aides and allies he would wage a war of attrition on the seven Republican Senators who broke ranks to side with Democratic opposition, according to a Mar-a-Lago source familiar with Trump’s activities that evening.

After eating a haughty meal, Trump, Stephen K. Bannon, and loyalists to their inner circle retired to the newly fortified Mara-a-Lago command center, a billiards hall they had converted into a digital control room complete with computer banks and wall-mounted digital screens that tracked movements and activities of persons who aggrieved Trump.

“Trump was stewed,” our source said. “He was elated at the acquittal, but he was freaking furious at the seven treacherous RINOs that wanted him impeached. He put them on the top of his enemies list.”

So angry was Trump, he assigned the betrayers pejorative nicknames, as he does often to persons who masquerade as a friend, then stab him in the back. He likened the seven Republican turncoats to the seven dwarfs of Snow-White lore but used more colorful language in naming them.

The first on the receiving end of Trump’s ire was longtime adversary “monkey nuts” Mitt Romney. Although Trump and Romney had once bonded over their mutual love of football, their friendship soured when Romney called Trump “a fraud whose promises are as worthless as a degree from Trump University” during the 2016 primary debates.

Trump almost coined Nebraska Senator Ben Sasse “stupid Sasse,” but a more loquacious Steve Bannon suggested a fitting alternative that met Trump’s approval—“scuzzy Sasse”. Sasse has spoken out against Trump in strong ways in recent months. In a call with constituents in October, Sasse worried aloud that Trump would single-handedly destroy the GOP.

Susan Collins of Maine earned the moniker “shithead Susan,” and Trump ruminated over her testimony at the impeachment hearing. She said Trump was solely responsible for the riots and accused him of inciting the crowd to prevent a peaceful transfer of power. Trump, our source said, called Collins an inept, foolish, and incompetent woman. And ugly, too.

“Bastard” Bill Cassidy of Louisiana came next. Trump said Cassidy’s vote to impeach showed his true colors, adding that red-state senators siding with Democrats proved just how deep the “Deep State’s” tentacles stretched into the GOP.

Trump named Richard Burr, the venerable Senator from North Carolina, “retarded Richard” in response to Burr’s largely unexpected vote to impeach. His vote drew immediate condemnation from the GOP majority, and he said political fallout didn’t matter to him because he planned to retire at the end of his term.

Alaskan Senator Lisa Murkowski said at the impeachment trial that Trump “set the stage for months” that the presidential election was rigged and that after he lost, he “did everything in his power to stay in power.” Trump struggled to find an apt nickname, so Bannon offered “lascivious Lisa,” a swipe at allegations of her marital infidelity.

Finally, Pat Toomey of Pennsylvania, with whom Trump verbally sparred in the aftermath of the election, earned the dishonorable sobriquet “treasonous Toomey,” with Trump promising to muster the full force and effect of his political and financial arsenal to topple Toomey’s hold on Pennsylvania’s legislative bodies.

“Until the vote, Pence and McConnell were at the top of Trump’s list. Now they’ve slid down a notch. Even though Mitch did not vote to convict, he’s still a traitor in Trump’s eyes. But the seven Trump plans to bring down one by one,” our source said.

“They want a war, we’ll give them a war they’ll never forget, the likes of which no one has ever seen,” Trump reportedly told Bannon.