Military Tribunal Convicts Former IRS Commissioner Charles Rettig of Treason, Defrauding the United States

Monday, August 7, 2023, GITMO.

A military tribunal at Guantanamo Bay convicted former IRS Commissioner Charles Rettig of treason. It decreed that he be hanged by the neck until dead for stealing $40 billion taxpayer dollars and using the Service’s recent cash infusion to finance a personal army of militarized criminal investigation agents willing to do his bidding.

In an opening statement, defiant and cantankerous, Rettig reiterated his innocence, claiming that either JAG or someone “jealous of my accomplishments” had set him up. As was the case with Deep Staters before him, he promised Vice Admiral Darse E. Crandall “a retribution” and even once invoked President Trump’s name, saying, “If I’m going down, I’m glad Trump is, too.” He snarled, curling his upper lip as would a dog. “Since I’m innocent, whatever proof you think you have is propaganda and fake,” he said through clenched teeth.

Adm. Crandall addressed the officers JAG had picked to hear the case, summarizing the charges against Rettig. He wasted no time displaying on a large screen myriad financial documents showing that Rettig had secreted almost $40 billion in 800 offshore accounts. The small and enormous deposits had begun hitting his accounts in January 2022, as the IRS started to collect the previous fiscal year’s federal income tax. The deposits totaled approximately 1% of all federal tax that year and came directly from the U.S. Treasury Department.

“That’s a nice little side hustle you had,” Adm. Crandall said, turning to face Rettig. “Imagine just the interest in all that stolen money. “Now, the Defendant argues this is all a big frame job, that someone created all those bank accounts in his name.”

He put an iPad and an iPhone on a table. “These devices were recovered from detainee Rettig’s vehicle at the time of his arrest. We’ve established them as his property. The phone number tied to the iPhone has been Rettig’s personal number for the last five years. They hold countless selfies of him—many quite distasteful. This document was on both devices.”

The panel gazed at the large screen onto which the admiral projected an image of Rettig’s self-incriminating writings. “We shouldn’t touch it, most of it, for a few years to not arouse suspicions. We’ll retire wealthy, as we deserve if we’re cautious. We’re sitting on a lot more than I thought we’d be, but still, we deserve more,” it read.

“It’s logical to assume he was referring to the cash,” the admiral said. “We don’t know who that note was meant for. We searched through thousands of emails, but that note never got sent. We also don’t believe he acted alone—he’s too incompetent, but he is culpable. He writes of discretion while buying a $19 million boat, paid in full, funded by a Singapore account in Rettig’s name three days after he officially retired on November 12.

“Forgive my lack of decorum here, but the greedy bastard couldn’t help himself. The money was burning holes in pockets,” the admiral said.

He showed the panel copies of the purchase receipt and title of ownership. “He was suddenly taking extravagant vacations,” Adm. Crandall said.

After a short recess, he introduced a 42-year-old female witness whose name JAG would not disclose, a Jane Doe. She was the woman who traveled with Rettig to Miami and stayed in his hotel room until his arrest. She swore to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

She testified under oath that she had been Rettig’s paid dominatrix for about two years. She said Rettig liked to be handcuffed and flogged and told he was “a naughty boy.” She explained that he demanded periodic humiliation and said that Rettig boasted about “bilking the system,” asking her to “punish” him for his misdeeds.

“We don’t require a graphic description of your duties,” the admiral said. “How did Charles Rettig pay you?”

“In cash and gifts,” Jane Doe said.

“Rough estimate; how much would you say you got each time you met?”

Jane Doe looked deep in thought. “The arrangement varied. Top of my head, guess, $50,000 for each weekend.”

“That’s one lucrative job if you can call it that,” the admiral noted. “What’s the most expensive gift he bought?”

“A 2022 Corvette,” she said.

“And how much was that?” the admiral asked.

“I don’t remember, really—maybe 85 or 90 grand,” she said.

“Close,” said Admiral Crandall, producing a vehicle receipt. “It was $86,500. Detainee Rettig spent a lot of money for a person earning $90,000 a year, officially.”

Admiral thanked Jane Doe for her testimony and excused her.

He craftily moved to a different topic, the Biden regime’s recent $80 billion bestowment to the IRS, which claimed it needed a cash infusion to hire 87,000 new agents to hunt down delinquent taxpayers. In theory, the money would be dispersed in $10 billion allotments over several years; in reality, the IRS at once rubberstamped 5,000 pending job applications for its heavily armed Criminal Investigation Division, whose agents Rettig had told, “Go get the money. It’s our money, not theirs.”

Adm. Crandall cleared his throat. “On August 8, 2022, Delta Force seized a truck carrying 23,500 Sig Saur P227 pistols and 160,000 rounds of .40 ammunition bound for Rettig’s D.C. office. A week earlier, Army Cyber Command intercepted a contentious call between Rettig, Joe Manchin, and Chuck Schumer. Rettig said that “the purchase has been made,” and that seemed to irritate Schumer because he said, “You jumped the gun, and mean that literally and figuratively, and this could come back at us.” What really happened is this: Expecting he’d get that $80 billion soon, as opposed to over 10 years, Rettig used existing IRS funds to strengthen its police force. Schumer and Manchin were onboard but felt Rettig had acted hastily.”

“Then, on August 10, 2020, he circulated an internal IRS memo saying he had picked Utah to build an IRS sniper academy. Why does the IRS need a sniper school, detainee Rettig?” the admiral asked.

Rettig did not answer.

“Silence speaks volumes, detainee Rettig,” Adm. Crandall said, now showing the panel a letter Rettig had authored and sent to IRS senior leadership.

“Modern times mandate modern tactics. In today’s world, our employees are met with resistance from people claiming to be Sovereign Citizens or people choosing not to file knowing they owe us money. This resistance has grown exponentially in the last 20 years, and it is genuinely our time to respond accordingly. This means adopting a military doctrine. The innovation of a dedicated marksmanship training facility will allow our agents to better defend themselves against hostile resistance, and I’ve been told we can broadly define hostile resistance to suit our wishes. Refusing to take our calls or denying us warrantless entry into homes meets the definition of hostile resistance. I’ve been informed we will be legally indemnified. I can think of several hundred tax evaders that need a little encouragement. If we can’t encourage them one way, we’ll do it another, or arrange a situation where they won’t be able to file, even if they want to,” the admiral read aloud.

As he paused for breath, the senior officer on the panel, a Marine colonel, said that he was ready to deliver a unanimous verdict unless Rettig could defend already mentioned indefensible crimes.

Admiral Crandall offered Rettig a chance to speak, but Rettig said, “I’ve been framed.”

The panel found Rettig guilty of treason and defrauding the United States and recommended that he face the gallows.

Adm Crandall set the date as August 15.

“One last thing, detainee Rettig, you’ll never see another dime of that money, and neither will your friends. We’ve seen to it,” said Adm. Crandall.

Correction: Rettig’s proper title was Commissioner. We have corrected the mistake.
Addendum: The pistols seized were P229s, as stated in the original article on the bust. Adm. Crandall misspoke.

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