Merrick Garland Executed After Shanking Guard

A grouchy Merrick Garland arrived at the gallows in handcuffs and leg irons Thursday morning after stabbing a guard with a shank he had fashioned from his eyeglasses. He had snapped off one of the arms and sharpened it against the concrete floor of his cell, a GITMO source told Real Raw News.

Garland had been crouching in the corner of his cell when a pair of MPs showed up to escort him to his demise, but they, for reasons unknown, ignored standard operating procedures—ordering Garland to face the rear wall on his knees, with fingers interlocked atop his head—and casually stepped inside the cell. His face in his hands, Garland quaked like a frightened animal and told the guards he did not want to die, that his stately and distinguished legacy needn’t culminate in dishonor–asphyxiation, strangulation, or a broken neck.

“Please, I don’t want to die, not like this,” Garland sobbed.

“You’re already dead; you just don’t know it yet,” a guard reportedly said. “You know the drill; hands on your head.”

Swift as a panther, Garland sprung upon the closest guard, shanking him twice in the abdomen. The wounded guard recoiled as his partner emptied a whole can of pepper spray in Garland’s face. His eyes welled up with tears and snot dripped from his nostrils as he dropped the makeshift stiletto and rubbed his swollen eyes with his fingers. Teeth clenched, Garland hissed and muttered imprecations, vowing vengeance upon the guards and their families.

The MPs responded accordingly: They started clubbing Garland with steel batons.

“They probably would’ve killed him then had nearby MPs not intervened,” a GITMO source told Real Raw News. “They had to pull them off Garland. The injured guard—his wounds were shallow and not life-threatening. He went to the hospital to get patched up and also got a shot of antibiotics because Garland said he dipped the tip of the eyeglass arm in his own shit.”

Asked whether Garland was treated for injuries, he added, “No. The Camp Delta watch commander notified Adm. Crandall of the incident, and the admiral said if Garland was still alive, to get him to the gallows.”

The Deep Stater had sustained a decent bludgeoning, but his legs still worked as best they could in chains.

The admiral and several other officers were already in position when guards delivered Garland to the gallows at 10:05 a.m. He was led to the platform where the hangman and a rabbi awaited his arrival, one lowering the circle of rope and the other asking whether Garland wanted prayers recited as he transitioned to the afterlife.

“Go f*** yourself,” Garland told the rabbi.

Admiral Crandall asked Garland if he had any last words—besides insulting the rabbi.

“I do, Crandall,” Garland said.

A lengthy silence followed.

“We don’t have all day,” the admiral said.

Garland sneered. “You’re so far up Trump’s ass I can see the soles of your shoes.”

“Clever,” the admiral said.

The hangman put the noose around Garland’s neck and a cloth sack over his head.

“Let’s do it,” the admiral said.

The floor beneath Garland’s feet fell away, and he dropped. His neck snapped, ending his miserable life.

In closing, RRN questioned our source about GITMO’s policies governing what personal items detainees can keep while in custody.

“As far as eyeglasses go, we don’t leave them blind. If they have glasses with metal frames or glass lenses, we issue plastic ones instead, which we did with Garland. Of course, detainees can make weapons from almost anything. It’s extremely rare for a prisoner to use glasses as a weapon. They need glasses to see, and we’ll almost always notice if a detainee is suddenly not wearing them. Since Garland knew he was about to die, he figured he didn’t need them anymore. So, he broke off one temple to make the shank and seated the glasses on his face with the remaining one. One thing’s for sure, that little old geezer was deft in stabbing the guard. Can’t underestimate little bastards with a Napoleon complex.”

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